Phillip Bailey

*NOTE: This post is about death etc, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED*

Well Phil, im pass the angry at you, Im pass the thinking you will be back, but Im at the how dare you, so instead of angry a little pissed still...Yup a selfish act done and you have NO clue what its done to anyone, you have no clue on who you have hurt, no clue on anything really.

Phil it goes over and over in my head, why would something that has gold (family and friends) want to do this, why would someone want to be selfish and just leave all those behind, those that love you, those that share fun times with you.  WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE FAMILY IN THE DARK. You did it to yourself, I would understand more if you were sick and dying...

Of course questions of WHY, IF and WHAT will NEVER be answered, answers to that went to the grave with you, and will never be revealed until I guess we see you again on the other side.

You know what really pisses me off, you have one of the most fun, annoying, understanding and loveable family around, a family that cares, a family that will do anything to help anyone.  A family that loves you and always will.  BUT you will never know that now, you have now given that all up, you have given up watching family members get married, family members having children. You have left a hole in everyone's heart that wont be mended for a VERY long time.  Only if you could of seem how much love was around you.

Friends, you have alot of them..OMG you should of seen how many friends you had, again something you wont see.

To give you an idea on the love you had.

The afternoon/evening of August 13th 2011 there were family members pouring into the police station, finding out details, working out what was going on, crying, and BOY was there crying, angry people.  No-one could understand what happened, or why it happened but as i said before no one will ever know.  I gave up a dinner with friends to head to the police station to sit around and cry.  Afterwards family went to the morgue to see you lie there motionless, cold and no life. 

I remember going into the room with Sarah and George holding hands and crying, told you how stupid you were and we vented what we thought about it.  Again ANGRY beyond words.

Your farewell (funeral) there were so many people there, so many who had come to bye, so many again upset people trying not to believe it all happened, as we carried your coffin down, trying to work out how we were going to get this LONG coffin down to the front of the church.  Guess what your a heavy fucker thats for sure.

Sitting in the church listening to everyone have their say, talk about your, watching the movie slide about you, still not really sinking in your gone, you know what made that sink in for me, watching them burried you, deep down into a hole, a hole where you shouldnt of been you should of been standing with us all somewhere other than a graveyard, 21 years old and gone.

Almost 11 months on and this is what you are missing.

Weddings

Babies

Family

Friends

Drinking

Fun Times

Even though Im pissed more than angry, what upsets me is my kids looking at family photos, and pointing and asking who everyone is.  We are heading back to NZ cause we moved to OZ in November 2011 so I show then the family photo that was taken in 2009 (cause that was going to be the last xmas EVERYONE was together) well we look at the photo name everyone and then they ask each time see that person in NZ, i have to tell them NO to your face all the time...and explain that your no longer on earth.  Its hard telling a 3 and 2 year old over and over again that they wont see you.  Its hard having to explain to them without crying why. 

This is what is should be like

But we are now missing you (guy with crown on head)

Thats my rant about it all.

Will love you and always

xx 

just hope your happy where you are